Ambivalence

Originally Posted on September 29, 2011

I should be so excited about the renovations on the house, but these last couple days I’ve been pretty ambivalent. I realized why in an email conversation with a good friend: by putting my stamp on the house, I’m taking a concrete step to “moving on,” and I’m not really ready to do so. Well, too bad. The deposits are all paid and this particular phase is going to happen. Wall to wall carpets come in next week. Then it’s the floors out in the front part of the house. Then it’s the fireplace. It’s all happenin’.

I’m sure that I’ll look back at this step as an important, necessary step along this road. Right now, though, I’d love to just slam on the brakes and hide under the covers for a week. Why can’t things just be simple? Why can’t I just get over this?

But I know the answer to that. I’m not going to get over this, only through it. That journey is still in its early stages. When I get a chance to look back, it will seem different.

But I’d give it all back if she were to return. But we all know that.

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