This was us

Some nights there’s no hiding from it. Some nights, you are simply going to get hit like you were in the path of a tornado. The sorrow will lay you flat. It will make your eyes burn and your heart break like it never has before. Your throat will ache from a thirst you cannot quench, not ever again. You will weep until you think you can’t any longer, and then you’ll start again.

This was us. We were a family. We were a unit. Mommy, Daddy, Seanie and Sophie. We had our routines, our rituals. We had our high holy days. We were building our traditions. We were growing together, all of us at once.

In this family, she was our heart. In this family, we all sort of orbited around her. In this family, she was the glue, she was mom to us all. We are all orphaned by this to a degree.

She will not walk in the meadow any longer with you, son. She will not sit you upon her lap as she used to and read your favorite story. She will not be there when you go to your first day of big boy school, will not be there to comfort you when you fall in love for the first time and then have your heart broken. She will not see you marry the woman of your dreams. She will not hold your firstborn in her arms and thank you for it. My heart is broken for you tonight.

She will not hold you again, my sweet little girl. She will not talk to you about what it means to be a woman, she will not cry with you during sappy movies, she will not fight with you as you grow older. She will never meet your future husband and never rock your babies to sleep. My heart is broken for you tonight.

Once upon a time there were four us. Now there are three. Once upon a time there were plans made for all of us. Now those plans must change. Once upon a time, life was so simple as to make me forget what was of  value.

I wish I hadn’t taken you for granted, my love.

I wish you could come home.

We all miss you so, so much.

Originally published August 24, 2011

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